Monday, August 11, 2008

And for My Next Trick, I'm Giving Up Meat

I love that feeling where something occurs to you, some kind of epiphany, or maybe some creative idea, and then you hear it or see it or read about it somewhere else, almost immediately. That whole universe-in-sync thing that I know I've discussed here before, and with die Frau on multiple occasions.

So, last night, I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, futiley due to a poorly timed afternoon nap. And the anxiety started creeping in, like it always does at night if I don't fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. The start of my meds is only a couple days away now, and I find myself worried about what I'll do if the meds don't make everything much, much better. Like, what if I'm still so unhappy even without the depression? What if it's something more, in addition to the depression?

I remember being really happy during the first two thirds of my pregnancy, when the back pain wasn't keeping me completely bed-ridden, and my hormones weren't too crazy out of control. What was I doing then? I was reading. And I was sewing. And I was learning to cook. And I was generally nesting. I wasn't working out much, but that's something that has ALWAYS helped my mood, as long as I can remember. I think a lot of my unahppiness now is due to pure boredom. And I keep asking myself if I just need to get back to work (still waiting on that stupid license), or if it's something else. And I keep answering myself that, yeah, working a day every week or two would probably help, but that alone is not going to bring my personality back.

I feel very lost. Like I don't even know what interests me or inspires me anymore. And I remember very clearly a year or two ago feeling like there were so very many things in life that I was excited about that I was afraid I'd never get to experience them all in one lifetime. That's got to be the depression, right? I want so badly for this medicine to be a magic, cure-all pill, but I know it probably won't be.

So the conclusion I came to last night that finally helped me sleep was this: My Google Reader is keeping me down. I spend the majority of my day with the Papoosekin, in the house, in the living room with her playing on the floor. Playing with a nine-month-old has its perks and moments of unbelievable cuteness, but it gets boring, yo! And the conversation is pretty one-sided. So I get bored. I don't like to keep the tv on too much because she watches it and I'm not down with that for extended periods of time. So I pick up the laptop and usually end up reading blogs for some connection to the outside world. But I think it's become a giant time suck for me, and I'm wondering if there aren't other things I could be doing that would be more uplifting and fulfilling.

To be fair to myself, this habit started because the Papoosekin is loathe to allow me more than five feet away from her at any given time. And I've indulged this for a while because, after all, she was only six months old, then seven, then eight, but now she nine months, and practically walking, and really, this tugging at my skirts (literally) can't go on forever. I understood, when she was going through the separation anxiety, but we're pretty much past that. And I'm not going to cut her off cold turkey, but I think it's time to start learning that crying doesn't always get you picked up and Mama's not going to drop what she's doing just because you're crying. At least not when you're crying only because you've realized that Mama's undivided attention is no longer on you and your fascinating block-gnawing activities.

Apparently, similar revelations have been unfolding at Loralee's Looney Tunes. I'm not quite ready to delete my whole Google Reader (but I also don't have hundreds of subscriptions. Only 52.), but I think I'm relegating the laptop to the office, out of the living room. It's just as well; the Papoosekin is getting taller and so the surfaces on which I can safely store the laptop are shrinking. I'm not sure exactly what more rewarding projects this will spur me onto it, but something will surely pop up. I'll keep you posted.

And to be clear, I'm not planning to blog less frequently, just wasting less time on the Internet in general. I think Google Readers can be an addiction, if you're not careful. And for the love of bacon, the last thing I need is more medical intervention for my various psychoses.


Anonymous said...

Hello! I am de-lurking myself and as a hello - you've been tagged!

Loralee Choate said...

I think that a lot of what is going on with you is depression related and that you are taking really good steps to take care of it. It happens to a ton of new moms and sometimes it can be hard to see the forest for the trees when you are in the thick of it.

Good luck. xoxoxo

Leslie said...

You have a remarkably good attitude (which I suspect will help as much as the medication) about this. I'm happy that introspection is bringing you to really logical conclusions about where some of your pain or anxiety is coming from. And I'm happy that you're going to be LIVING the things that you love again. Good for you! Also, I believe the sensation you're describing is synchronicity - I took a class on it in college with Professor Mansfield.

Wonderland said...

Hey Lovely Greenlight - What is Synchronicity?

die Frau said...

Wonderland--It's a fantastic album by The Police. Sorry, couldn't help it.

I agree with Loralee and Greenlight--You need to do things for you that make you happy and that make you, you, aside from being a wonderful mom. You have so many facets to you, and you owe it to yourself to explore them. The medication will not do a Hey, Presto! on your depression, but it will help, and you're doing a great job helping yourself as well.